I deliberated on writing about this topic for a long time. It seems unimportant, since it is just a fact of my existence, yet it may hold value for some young person out there searching for reassurance in a world that tells them they will feel differently one day about their singleness feeling right to them, in a world that places so much value on being in a romantic relationship. Here is the truth: I am single woman in her 40s living my best life. Never dated anyone seriously, never procreated, never went to bed with anyone, and I regret none of it. I got told, numerous times, when I articulated my lack of a desire to find a romantic partner or raise kids that I would reach midlife and feel a sense of emptiness and longing. And… I don’t.
I like my life. I enjoy my cats, and my gardening, and spending all my free time writing books, and I regret none of it. I don’t regret never having sex, I don’t regret never finding a partner, I don’t wish I had grand-kids to lavish my love and attention upon. I don’t feel as if my life lacks anything. It satisfies me in the ways that matter to me.
To be clear, I admire women who want to be mothers. I think that is an amazing thing. To raise another person right, to instill in them virtues, to love them and tuck them in at night, then to see them go off into the world must feel incredible. I just knew it wasn’t my calling, since I had zero desires in that direction. Romance, marriage, sex, none of it ever interested me. I grew up “asexual” when nobody had a word for it, in the 90s. And it was not often easy.
Secular people urged me to have sex, and some Christian folks insisted my true calling as a godly woman was to birth and raise babies. One friend had to quit talking to me, because I was a “bad influence.” But all of that is okay. It did not scar me, nor deter me from my self-awareness. But not everyone is me, and that’s why I am writing this post.
I want other asexual Christians out there to know they are normal, they have value, and they can choose to live their single life without feeling guilty about not building a Christian family. You can not want sex, not want to be a parent, and not have to be a missionary to “use your celibacy well,” and still be in God’s favor. He works with what we offer up to Him. He walks beside us, in the life we choose for ourselves. So don’t assume because you were born to be celibate without feeling like it is a sacrifice, that means you MUST go into the mission field. I didn’t. I wasn’t made for that, any more than I was made to have kids. I write books, and I love my family, and I adore my cats, and I try to honor God with how I treat others and conduct my life, and that’s enough. I do not feel as if anything is “missing” in my soul or in my life.
I go to my parents’ house on Saturday nights and we watch something together. Our latest has been the CBS series Christy. Watching it brings back a lot of memories about being eleven years old and seeing it for the first time. It reminded me that I loved Miss Alice the most, because she was who I wanted to be when I grew up—a strong, independent, moral, godly woman without a husband. Yes, she is a missionary in her own right, but it’s what she chose to do. And it shook me a little to realize… I have become Miss Alice. A strong, independent, moral, godly woman without a husband. I am almost the same age, even! And many of the traits I admire in her, I see reflected in myself (her desire to see the good in people, but push them toward self-actualization and improvement, her sharpness of tongue, her insistence on doing things for herself, her pig-headed resolve, and feeling bad if she loses her temper; but also her belief in God, her desire to do right by others, and her willingness to self-examine and correct herself, to be more in alignment with what the Spirit calls her to be).
It made me feel good. I never consciously aimed to be this person, it just happened because I valued and admired women like her, who were someone I could identify with and who I wanted to emulate. So, for the “ace” and “a-romantic” Christian teens out there who may stumble across this post, be of good heart. Follow your instincts. Listen to yourself. Be okay with not wanting the things your culture, family, or your religion tell you that you “should” want. It’s okay to be different, it’s okay to not care about what seems to drive other people (a need/desire for sex). It’s okay not to label it, to define yourself by it, or to make an identity out of it. Just decide who you are, and be that. And one day, you will look back and realize, you have become your best self, and you are living the life you knew was right for you, and you have no regrets.
The Sacred in the Secular 
Beautiful post Charity 🙂 Some people just do not want to date or start families and you know what? There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. Do not let anybody else’s opinion make you feel guilty. You are perfect just the way you are 🙂
You’re very kind. 🙂
They say “become the person you needed when you were younger,” and you’ve done that beautifully. ❤
Our society is so uncomfortable with people who don’t fit into traditional straight relationships. It’s like they see “loose ends” everywhere, and they have to try and tuck those loose ends into the fabric where they “belong.” Hence all the dire BUT YOU’LL BE SO UNFULFILLED warnings. But what if you’re not?
It feels like our society is so obsessed with sex, and sees sexual identity as so important to who someone is, they can’t imagine anyone who doesn’t want any, or care about that at all.
I do understand the general warning that you may get lonely. I feel that. I do get lonely and wish I had someone to share movies with and talk to, but that’s all I want. A platonic roommate.
The Platonic Roommate Club!
It always staggers me to read about people getting pressured to get married “because it is better,” when we have St. Paul explicitly stating in I Corinthians 7:7-9 that “it is good for [the unmarried and widows] to remain [single] as I am,” but if they desire physical intimacy, they should marry because marrying and having sex is better than remaining single and burning with desire — how on earth did we end up in this place where our Christian society as a whole insists people Must and Shall Get Married? Those who desire sex, marriage, kids — get married! Those who don’t — don’t get married! I don’t know why this is difficult. I suspect it all stems from the innate human tendency to want others to affirm our choices by making the same choices.
Anyway, I have quite a few single friends who are in their 20s, 30s, 40s, and 50s who are single by choice. I have other single friends of many ages who would like to get married, and are pursuing that. And both are good. As long as you are fulfilling your God-given vocations in a godly way, then you are doing what he has called you to do! For instance, you are living out your roles as daughter, friend, author, and editor. Those are important and needed! The Body of Christ needs all kinds of people because we can’t all be eyes or ears or tongues or hands or feet. We need people to be the arteries and the nerve endings and the fingernails too.
Um, anyway, obviously, I have thoughts on this too 😉
Yeah, there is a very human element to our need to be around people who are “like us,” and to look at people who are not “like us” as suspect. It makes people uncomfortable to see someone not like them, who made different choices, and who seems fulfilled by them, for some weird reason.
I think fundamentalism gets mixed up in home schooling groups a lot, where naturally the emphasis is very much on “family.” So I ran into a few snags with people from those groups over the years, and in that regard, I see their point — I was a disrupter who came in and told their daughters through my behavior that there is more to life than growing up and being a mom. So, the backlash there did not bother me much. 😉
Yes. God has a use for all of us, in our different roles, callings, etc. That’s what people forget. God LIKES diversity. Look at His creation! All the many kinds of birds, beasts, fish, plants, landscapes. To think that only one way is the right way to be, in order to please Him, is downright silly!
I seriously love this post. Thank you for writing it. You may have been writing about something personal, but I swear, it’s like you were writing about me. I’ve never dated, never had sex, never had kids. In my twenties, I kind of wanted all of that – marriage and kids. But as I’ve gotten older, I’m still very much single and I like it. I’m not accountable to anyone (other than God), I can go where I want, do as I please, spend my money on whatever, write what I want to write about. People have tried to fix me up for years, and it’s always no. There are times I’m lonely, yes. But I’d rather feel occasional moments of loneliness than date or marry someone I could never be happy with.
I tried dating once or twice and it gave me so much anxiety that I broke out in hives, my body was just so much full of DO NOT WANT. My heart breaks for the girls who really do want and need a relationship and aren’t able to find one, though. And yes, there is some loneliness… but it’s also good to have freedom. People forget that’s the main offering of a single life — total freedom to do what you want, and not have to feel responsible for anyone else.