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Lately, I’ve been watching Grimm, and contemplating Juliette’s plight. After a Hexenbiest (sort of a witch-like creature, known for violence and vindictiveness) robbed Nick of his Grimm abilities, Juliette had to temporarily become one in order to restore them. Now, the Hexenbiest part is sticking and she is freaking out, because every time she gets irritated, or afraid, or upset, her face morphs into a hideous zombie-like creature and she … um … causes things to explode. Like car engines. And sometimes the back of someone’s head. In short, she transforms into what Monroe likes to call a Hexenbitch. Oops.

I’m never quite sure in life if I go through things because entertainment tugs at my spiritual connection or if God maneuvers me into a place where I am emotionally ready to hear what He has to say when I encounter myself in entertainment, but … I feel for Juliette.

It’s no fun being a Hexenbiest.

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Lately, someone accused me of being “hypocritical, selfish, and a bully.” And though it hurt, they were right. I have a duality to my nature that I do not like. On one side rides a compassionate, generous girl who sends money to every good cause she encounters and is so amiable that people frequently take advantage of her kindness. On the other side is a selfish, critical, judgmental brat who acts passive-aggressively, takes out her angry feelings on bystanders, and has been known to slap people down with such verbal coldness their head spins. Worse, she argues back rather than accepting criticism. She hedges and defends her bad behavior with excuses instead of saying, “You’re right. That was the wrong thing to say. I’m sorry.”

I catch myself doing it all the time. And I hate it. I hate that this is who I am. Like Juliette, I waver been feeling good and feeling monstrous. And like Juliette, I am running away from the person that could help me to other people who have just as many sinful tendencies as I do. She is going to Renard for assistance, who is the male equivalent of a Hexenbiest. And I understand why; it’s natural. But he cannot fix her. He can merely empathize. I can tell all of you my sin-problems, and you can empathize, but you can’t fix me. You can’t make me genuinely nice.

Juliette has been hiding her true self from Nick. There is some debate on why, but I think it is simple. Juliette is morphing into a Hexenbiest. When woged (transformed into their true form), they look like ROTTING CORPSES. I am reminded of the insult Jesus threw at the Pharisees – beautiful whitewashed tombs on the outside, but on the inside, full of dead men’s bones. She is afraid and ashamed of what she is, and she wants to hide it as much as she can, because she is fearful that Nick will view her differently if he finds out the truth of what she is.

How very … human of Juliette.

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I also have dark little secrets, tucked away in my evil little heart. I fear that if people knew about them, they would no longer love me. I am not a very loving person and I hate it. I need help, and I know where to find it – in Jesus, but I am reluctant to reveal my true self to Him. To let the Hexenbiest face out, approach the throne, and beg Him to help me. To take away my piety and self-righteousness. I struggle not to be a Hexenbiest. Not to seem beautiful on the outside, but evil within. My situation is different from Juliette in that Jesus already knows what I am (Nick suspects, I think), but we both still need to come clean. We always think we can hide from God, or that His love is conditional – because ours so often is. But it isn’t.

Each day that I let my sinful nature fester, I am rotting on the inside. And the more I let myself be a Hexenbiest, the more of a threat the truth becomes. The more I shy away from what is good in favor of empathy in the darkness. After all, Jesus is the Grimm to my Hexenbiest and usually the cure involves a spiritual axe. (Or … possibly, the blood of a Grimm. Hmm, interesting…)