Lessons from Moriarty

As a devout Sherlockian, I have made it my solemn duty to watch every film centered around him. I have found some real turds, some real gems, and one movie with a better Moriarty than Holmes. Herein lies the lessons gleaned from his wisdom in Hands of a Murderer.

Be awesome.

Sure, they are going to hang you, but make sure they do it with class. Be so awesome you scare everyone in the paddy wagon with your intense stare. Be so awesome that the crowd fears you. Be so awesome that you get handed a Bible on your way to the noose. Be so awesome that the Bible-thumping hot chick who hands it to you is actually your girlfriend, and there’s a knife hidden in the spine of the Bible. Be so awesome that when your lackeys set off smoke bombs, you’re out of that noose, drop through the trap door, hide in a large drum, and are carted out of there before the police even arrive. Be that awesome.

Pouting is essential.

It scares your lackeys and gets sympathy from your hot girlfriend. It also gives your lackeys a sense of false security, since when you’re pouting they forget how bad-ass you are. If they let down their guard you can zing them with bad-ass so fast they won’t know what hit them. You know, like a cobra. Speaking of which…

Keep your pet cobra in a cigar box on your desk.

Nobody ever sees it coming. They always buy the nice guy, lets-talk-about-this-like-gentlemen routine and giddily dash over to the desk to get a cigar. Hiss! Bitey-bitey! Dead lackey! That’ll teach ‘em! Of course, you might run short on lackeys after awhile, but it’s good for a laugh. Toss ‘em in the Thames and move on.

Always sell to the Germans.

I don’t care if they’re decades away from any world wars, and no one considers them to be memorable in 1881, much less a threat: if it’s code, and it’s British, and it’s top secret, and Mycroft invented it, call the Germans first. But ah… make sure you crack the code before you call them. Just sayin’.

Taunt your adversary.

Ponce around Baker Street looking awesomely bad-ass and conclude your ominous visit by threatening to inject poor Mycroft with drugs to get him to talk. You like drugs, and Holmes likes drugs, but Mycroft doesn’t like drugs, which makes injecting him with them way more fun.

There are better things than sex.

Let her pepper you with kisses, and give her the occasional snog back – but always remember you have a master plan to devise, a cigar to smoke, and lackeys to kill. You have work to do! People to destroy! Government officials to kidnap! The snogging can wait!

Never keep your word.

I don’t care if you used the term “over your dead body” and vowed to gloat at the funeral. Don’t do it. Just don’t. And especially don’t wear a lame-ass disguise and lug along your hot girlfriend dressed in boys’ clothes. Ain’t nobody gonna fall for that. Plus, your adversary isn’t dead. He never is. Holmes fakes his death all the time. It’s his bloody hobby! If you fall for it, you’re not a bad-ass, you’re a dumb-ass.

Be too awesome to die.

Fortunately, all that sass, strutting, single-mindedness, genius, and awesomeness pays off, because even if you take a nosedive into a lake with your hot girlfriend inside a carriage, they’ll never find the bodies. Why? You’re too awesome to die.

This is part of the Anthony Andrews Blog Hop.