Villains School: Tips for Diabolical Success

Bad morning, class! It seems to me, the latest crop of master villains are not living up to their full potential and are, in fact, being thwarted by heroes. As all of you aspiring Super Villains know, we can’t have that. It puts a tint of shame on our long-respected establishment of Making Good Guys’ Lives Hell. Now, stop torturing the kid at the desk next to you and take notes! In blood, if need be. You’ll need this handy list for future success in diabolical schemes. Had Khan, Loki, and many others lived according to these practical Rules for Evil Success… ahem, well… we wouldn’t be having this conversation now would we?

Tip #1: If it can be done simply, do it simply.

I understand. You’re a young fiend, you want to show off. But never aim a bazooka at something you can kill with a fly swatter. There will be plenty of time to show how intelligent you are when you’re ruling the world. You don’t need a grand, complicated chess move for a game of “give away” at checkers. Had Khan just let his friends out of their cryotubes to start off with, he’d still be awake and ruling the universe.

Tip #2: If you want it done, do it yourself.

Minions cannot be counted on, particularly if you choose stupid ones (which you must always do, because smart minions might start coming up with their own ideas). If Scar had hunted down and killed Simba himself, would he have lost to him later on? Nope! Don’t be lazy. Do it yourself.

Tip #3: Just kill him.

Kill the pesky hero the first chance you get and make sure he’s actually dead. In fact, dismember him, put the pieces in boxes, burn them into ash, and bury them on opposite ends of the globe just in case. Why? Not killing him gives him a better chance to kill you first. Not dismembering him and torching him gives him a good chance at coming back from the dead. I know, I know… damn these pesky “death won’t stop me” heroes. Unfortunately, they do exist.

Tip #4: Don’t gloat.

Gloating gives the pesky hero time to figure out how to escape. He can’t escape if he’s dead. Shoot first, gloat later. I’m looking at you, Loki.

Tip #5: Know when to cut your losses.

Especially when it comes to women. If they don’t love you right off the bat, they’re not going to love you later. Cal, take your damn necklace and get on a lifeboat. Carver, Lorna ain’t worth the lead in the bullet you aim at her. Frollo… get a life.

There are many more tips to being a successful master villain, but something tells me your freshmen minds are on overload with just these few tried-and-true tactics for evil success. Now get out of my classroom before I set you all on fire.