How Do I Get a Man?

(If you still like me at the end of reading this, it’ll be a miracle. As an INTJ, I pull no punches and have never been a big fan of blaming the opposite sex for everything wrong in life.)

Recently I read Where Have All the Good Men Gone by A.J. Keisling. The book addresses the single status occurring in our nation; the influx of Christian men who are not dating and the resulting situation Christian women find themselves in – potentially single for the rest of their lives. The author conducted a survey among Christian singles to find out why they are still single. Each sex responded with many of the same excuses, and a pattern emerged – it’s all the other sex’s fault. Christian men are “not stepping up to the plate and asking girls out,” “not being willing to pursue marriage,” and “never growing out of their prolonged adolescence.” Christian women “assume one date means I’m going to marry you,” “just want to be friends,” or “don’t take enough care with their appearance.”

Both sides have a few points and some of it is true. It IS the man’s job to pursue the women. It IS his responsibility to seek out a wife, for in doing so, as scripture tells him, his life will be blessed. It IS his job to mature into a man. And in our society of HD programming and video games, some men are not doing that. Girls, meanwhile, need to calm down, realize that men don’t like being pressured or chased, give every guy a chance whether or not there’s a romantic spark right off the bat, and yeah, some girls need to wear a little more makeup and take off a few pounds.

Mostly, what I read in this book was utter selfishness and denial of personal responsibility. It was all about accusations and pointing fingers and saying, “If THE OPPOSITE SEX WOULD JUST…”

God wants us to tend to our own fields before poking our nose over the hedge. He’s a lot more interested in our faith, and the state of our submissive heart, than He is in whether or not we ever get married. What this current epidemic of unwanted singlehood tells us is that our selfish-driven culture has crept into the church. It has become more about “me” than “us.” Maybe instead of the questions running along the lines of “why are you still single?” they should have asked, “What are you doing in this time of prolonged singleness to prepare your heart for marriage? How is God changing you? Are you working on becoming more responsible? Physically fit? Putting your best foot forward?”

Stop making this about blaming them, and start working on yourself.

For those interested, among the men surveyed, these answers were given for why they aren’t dating Christian women:

Christian women expect too much from us spiritually.

Christian women have every right to expect much from a guy, spiritually. He is supposed to be the spiritual leader of the household, and set the religious tone in the home. This means he MUST have a strong relationship with Christ, he MUST be dedicated in that role, and he MUST be willing to learn, grow, and expand his knowledge. Women do not expect spiritual giants; they expect a heart for Christ and a husband in church every week. With the fear of the Lord comes wisdom. We don’t expect you to be perfect; we expect you to be humble before the throne of God, so you can lead us spiritually. If you don’t want that responsibility, it’s too bad – God gave it to you whether or not you want it. So… get over it, and get with it.

Christian women put too much pressure on us in the first date.

This tends to be true, and something women need to be aware of. Don’t chase him… let him chase you — unless it goes on without any progress for four years, then you might want to let him know, “Put up or lose it.”

Too many nice women bypass nice guys for “bad boys.”

Many of us do have a bad boy complex, which is really prideful, because we believe that “we” can “save” the bad boy (only God can save Him, and usually He doesn’t use a Christian girl). Sometimes we overlook the warnings God gives us about not becoming involved with unbelievers in a romantic sense. It rarely ends well.

We have a very real fear of divorce.

Girls do too. We can let that cripple us and remove our joy, or we can promise “until death do we part” and mean it. Do you trust God with your love life or not?

Christian women are too shallow or self absorbed.

Some are. Some aren’t. As a guy, realize that many women are romantics. If you are a woman, read something more than romance novels once in awhile. Know something about politics – and have an opinion. There’s nothing less attractive than a girl who doesn’t know anything other than the title of the latest romantic comedy.

Christian women just want to be friends.

Do they? I don’t know any. =P

It’s hard to tell Christian women from non-Christian women these days.

Sadly, they have a point there. How are we different? Are we different? Or do some of us still sleep around, wear slutty clothes, flirt outrageously, and have no personal standards?

Christian girls let themselves go.

Ouch. But this may be true… each of us has something that could be improved on. Maybe we’re packing on a few extra pounds (or a whole lot). Maybe we never exercise. Maybe we have split ends, or never wear make-up, or just wash our hair and go (that’s my biggest fault). We should learn something from Grace Kelly – be beautiful, be well put together, take a little time with your appearance, and everyone will treat you with more respect, not just men.

Lest you think I am being too hard on the guys, let’s move on to the common accusations against men:

We want to be pursued, and men won’t step up to the plate!

This may be true, but… are you worth pursuing? Are there areas in your spiritual life that need work? Are you well-rounded? Have you learned how to be a wife and mother?

Guys are looking for a supermodel with a Mother Theresa personality.

Maybe, or maybe that is just what we think based on a lack of communication between the sexes. Most guys would probably be content with a woman who doesn’t nag him, doesn’t try to monopolize him or take him away from his guy friends, and makes an effort to look pretty for him at the end of the day. (Sexist? Nah, get over yourself. If you expect him not to be a fat slob and shave once in awhile after you get married, he expects the same of you. Start these good habits NOW, so they’re second nature later.)

All the good ones are taken!

Maybe a “good one” is right under your nose and you haven’t noticed, because he doesn’t look like a young Christopher Plummer or have Edward Cullen’s money. Maybe a “good one” is off working hard so that he can be a stable financial provider for his future wife. Maybe you just haven’t met him yet.

Men today are emotionally and spiritually immature and take too long to grow up.

Yes, and we have forty year old women gushing over how amazing and perfect and wonderful Twilight is. I don’t think men have a monopoly on immaturity.

Men just want to play the field.

Secular men do (and not even all of them, at that). Christian men shouldn’t. If they are, or if they do, they need to take a long look at their relationship with Christ and their views on women.

Too many Christian men try to push sexual boundaries.

There are men out there who say they are Christian, but aren’t. Our actions show us for the person we really are. There’s a difference between momentary temptation and aggressive sexual pursuits. Real Christian men (as in, born-again, saved-by-grace, God-fearing men) won’t push your sexual boundaries, because they respect you.

That was kind of brutal, wasn’t it? Sorry, but I state the facts. I’m not pointing fingers; I’m as much a part of the problem as the rest of you are. I slack off on learning to cook. I should fix my hair more often. My own Christian walk isn’t as strong as it could be… so I have no right to complain if God hasn’t brought The One into my life yet.

So what do we do from here? Take heart, ladies… we assume that because we haven’t seen a single man in months, there are none. Surveys actually tell us there are more Christian single men than women, which means each and every girl in the church COULD have a chance to get married.

I’m a firm believer in both personal responsibility and God. I think if you prepare your heart and spiritual walk for marriage, if you are dedicated to becoming a more godly woman, if you pray for your future husband (whomever he may be), AND take a leap of faith every once in awhile… maybe he will come. What does this mean? Put your best foot forward. If you have problem areas in your appearance, work at it. Don’t be lazy, or slothful, or assume that he should love you “just as you are.” One day, he will. But in the meantime, cover up that zit! Lose those ten pounds! Lay off the coffee for awhile! Make an effort. Get out there socially. Don’t be afraid to try online dating sites (with caution and wisdom). Don’t be afraid to go out on a date even if there isn’t an immediate spark, or he’s not your usual type. Don’t get stuck in one age bracket.

It is very tempting to give up, to assume you will be alone forever because you look around and there aren’t many men to choose from. But here’s the thing – you only need one. God never promised all of us would get husbands (or wives), but He does tend to reward our efforts. So pray about it, improve yourself, realize that it’s not all “the other person’s fault,” and take chances. Will it get you a man? I don’t know. But it’s better than sitting home alone.

32 Replies to “How Do I Get a Man?”

  1. I can’t agree with everything on your list, or at least, not in the way it is presented.

    I’m a never- married Christian woman, early 40ish age wise, a virgin, slim, very pretty (have been told by Non Christian men I look like a movie star, they compare me to Marilyn Monroe, though I am brunette, etc).

    I don’t dress like a bimbo. I’m not sleeping around. My point in mentioning all this is that you can be a godly, pretty, sexy, attractive, smart, funny, great woman and -still- be unmarried into your 40s.

    I see this all the time on Christian blogs: the assumption is that if you are still single, it’s because you are fat or ugly or not wearing make up.

    That simply is not true for some women who have not married. You can be the most gorgeous, sexy sex pot and still not be able to land a man, so I wish bloggers and Christian authors would let this myth die.

    Most Christian men are too picky in the looks area, however – even the ugliest, fattest, most nerdiest of Christian men think they are entitled to a 20 year old sexy movie star type.

    You said, “If you expect him not to be a fat slob and shave once in awhile after you get married, he expects the same of you”

    Oh please, no. The advice to Christian women on sites and in books is always one sided: the men are never, ever advised to get a toupee, go to the gym, and get a flat stomach and lose the belly fat. I, as a female, am supposed to see their inner beauty of Christ-likness, but the men are told it’s okay if they want a godly AND sexy woman – and that is hypocrisy.

    Oh no, the double standard is: Christian women are told to respect a man and date him no matter what he looks like, but because men are supposedly wired to be “visually oriented” this means a woman has to be a movie star around the clock.

    I’m a very physically attractive woman who gets approached a lot by ugly men. The uglies think they are entitled to women who are out of their league, and who are 15 – 30 years younger than they are. It’s time for the Christian men to be told, if you don’t have Brad Pitt movie star good looks, don’t go hitting on Angelina Jolie look-alikes. And stick to women within five years of your age.

    It’s not true that most women, Christian or not, fancy “bad boys” (I never have. I always liked “boy scouts,” but most men were immoral.)

    Also, do a web search for the phrase “nice guy,” and you will find that a lot of men who make the complain that “I’m a nice man, but women prefer bad boys” are not really nice: these men think if they are “nice” to women (such as opening doors for her, performing other favors, etc), that she is obligated to have sex with him – if she never does so, he gets angry about it.

    Acting nice is used as a passive aggressive means to manipulate a woman into sex by these men. These “nice men” are too cowardly or lazy to be upfront with the object of their desire and say “hey, I am interested in you.”

    I’m a Christian egalitarian, so I disagree with your premise about the man being the head of the household and what all; please see the free articles at the site “Christians for Biblical Equality” for more information on that.

    1. Most Christian men are too picky in the looks area, however – even the ugliest, fattest, most nerdiest of Christian men think they are entitled to a 20 year old sexy movie star type.

      This is very true. I tried out online dating for awhile and… well, I was surprised at the men who hit on me the most. They were a LOT older (10 to 15 years), they were very out of shape, and most of them weren’t even of the same race! I had to wonder, did they pick me because I’m beautiful… or because they’re desperate? =P

      1. Whoa, whoa… there was one odd thing on your list of complaints. I can agree that large age differences, statistically and in personal experience, make relationships very hard, read nearly impossible. And it’s odd to not try and look good, put your best foot forward, on a dating profile. Shows lack of effort. But “Not of the same race?” Why would that be on your list of complaints? What is the problem with marriages or relationships between individuals of different races?
        Firstly, it’s prejudicial and biased to judge someone based on race. Behind the thin veneer of appearance and skin colour, there is an actual person. To dismiss or ignore someone because of their race is irrational and devalues that person. The person of a different race that is getting rejected could be kind, personable, reasonable, worthwhile – but the one who’s rejecting them offhand because of a superficial difference will never get a chance to see how similar to them that person really is. A vicious circle.
        Secondly, there is scientific evidence to suggest that kids with multiple heritages in their family are less prone to genetic problems and certain diseases. So any argument that kids from such a marriage would be at risk for anything would be, frankly, incorrect.
        Thirdly, “how would we raise our kids?” is a usual argument against cross-cultural marriage. In practice, it’s not that much of a sticking point if the couple are reasonable and will take each others’ needs and feelings into account – It’s a normal and reasonable expectation that a couple having kids would sit down and discuss how they would want to pass on their traditions and how they will handle holidays and occaisons. If the couple doesn’t want to have that discussion or one person isn’t willing to compromise, that’s more of a commentary on that individual’s level of maturity and committment, not an argument against cross-cultural marriage in general.
        Some of the most loving, honest, functional couples I know are of different races and religions. Some couples of the same race can’t seem to stop bickering. It all depends on the behaviour and personality of the people involved, not their genetic background. In Canada today, it’s actually getting rarer to marry someone whose ancestors were of the same nationality: and surprise, surprise, these marriages are working or failing based on the behaviour of the individuals in them. A quick scan in the StatsCanada website brought up an article that suggests that the rate of divorce among couples with the same ethnic background is roughly equal to the rate of divorce among mixed-ethnicity couples. It suggest that behaviour, not culture, not race, is the determining factor. In the words of Shakespeare, “Love looks with the heart, not with the eyes.”

        I also take issue with this hating on overweight or ugly people – facial structure is something a person can’t decide for themselves, something that doesn’t have any impact on who or what they are. They were born with it. Just because they weren’t lucky as others in the face department doesn’t devalue them or mean that they’re somehow less interesting or worthwhile. Being fat isn’t always the person’s fault – there are genetic predispositions to such things, and certain medications can cause fluid retention and make them look overweight. Obviously, this is rarer than people whose lifestyles and choices are unhealthy, but why would you assume, looking at someone on the street, that they’re simply a slob rather than giving them a reasonable benefit of the doubt and, I don’t know, actually speaking to them before discarding them as a prospective friend or romantic interest?

        1. Race might not be a cultural gap if the two people are at least from the same area and have similar upbringings – but all the guys I met from different races were so radically different from me in every possible way (from politics to upbringing to church preferences) that we would literally have no launching place from which to start a relationship.

          I watch my weight. I think other people should, too. Sure, one in a million has a thyroid problem, but the vast majority don’t. Most of us can look good if we put some effort into it — and it’s healthier in the long run.

  2. I think part of the problem is men don’t go to church as much as women do. Also women tend to be more religious than men secular and christian studies have proved this. Have you read the book “Why men don’t go to church?” That explains a lot of issues why men don’t go to church. I don’t agree with everything that he presents but a lot of it makes sense. It was written by a Christian writer.

    I always found it interesting that men went to church less, so I wanted to read about that a little more.

    1. Sadly, that’s true, but it also puts Christian girls in a bind — do we marry a guy who isn’t committed enough to his relationship with Christ to attend church? NO. Thanks for the book tip — I’ll check it out. =)

  3. As a INTJ christian girl, I must say that you are tight about this.
    I am new here, and I already liked this blog.

    Xoxo

  4. So, so encouraging, and just what I needed. Thanks for the wisdom and insight Charity (and no, you’re not too brutal, just honest and forthright. Perfect!).

  5. “Stop making this about blaming them, and start working on yourself.” So true and so challenging! This was a great post, Charity.

    I was at a Q&A for single girls recently and the moderators were encouraging girls to remember that our calling is to glorify God. The end goal of life is not to get married. If we are busy glorifying God through living our lives, He will bring a man along if that is part of how we can best glorify Him. We can be ready for that man by keeping in mind some of the points Charity brought up.

    Also, I would highly recommend the book “A Man Worth Waiting For” by Jackie Kendall. I think anybody starting a relationship, waiting for a relationship or struggling with the “bad-boy” tendency would find this book helpful and encouraging. My sister really liked it and I’ve read parts of it and thought it was real and practical.

    1. That’s quite true — our life is about glorifying / serving God… and Him doing what is best for us in the long run. If it is best for us to be poor, we’ll be poor. If it is best for us to get married, we’ll get married. It may take awhile, and the hold-up may be the second half of our marriage team acting out, but God is in control. We can do our best and trust Him with the rest.

      Thanks for the book recommendation. I’ll toss it on my stack. =)

  6. You raise some interesting/excellent points.

    In order to meet guys – or just enjoy a friendship relationship, you do have to put yourself “out there” or you aren’t going to meet anyone. Period. I know this because I have let childhood relationships go that may have blossomed into wonderful friendships if I was a little more forthcoming. Some were my fault, some were not.

    I don’t agree with everything you say but well done! While God ultimately saves, I do think the right influence could make someone WANT change. Though as you say, women think they will be “the one” to change their guy. If he cheated on his ex, what makes you think you are the exception?

    I am a firm believer in improving one’s shelf – I feel like I have so much to learn! And, it may be scary but it should be – and is, exciting at the same time.

    1. Yup. You can’t sit at home and wait for your prince to come — he needs to know your address first. =D

      Being a woman who inspires men to change to be worthy of her is one thing, but women with a bad boy complex also have a pride issue — it all boils down to “I can get him to change,” or “he needs me, so he can become better.” Hello, idol of self. Only God can make him change. Maybe you can make him WANT to change, but you can’t change him.

      Improving oneself is a lifelong challenge, that’s for sure.

  7. i wish it was that easy. i really do. you talk a lot about preparing ourselves for a mate and putting ourselves out there and being more accepting. i agree with all of that; but it’s the ACTUAL dating process that makes the system so difficult for me. i will have to read the book; because a LOT of what makes the christian dating scene so seemingly impossible is the dating itself. it isn’t so much the lack of men; it’s the impossibility to date in the christian sphere. if anyone has good success stories, please share them. because christian dating—to me—remains HOPELESS!

    1. I know for me there were NO Christian young men in my church when I was a teen. It wasn’t till I went to a Christian college that I met Jon (and made lots of good guy friends).

      1. for me, it’s not the lack of christian men; it’s the lack of DATEABLE christian men. christian dating is awkward; no one knows how to do it, there is no sense of urgency, there is intimidation that it will ruin friendships, that it will sever a group dynamic. christian guys are also cursed with christian courteousness, even if they are on a ‘date’ with a girl, they are not as quick to show affection or to establish that it is a date. it is SO easy to get caught in the awkward friend zone with christians. the non-christian dating i have done has been SO much easier; because if a guy asks you out; you know it’s a date. on “planet christian”, you’re never sure if it’s a friendly movie or coffee or if it is trying out potential. it’s a zoo! 🙂

        1. That’s got to be frustrating! I don’t want to imagine what it’s going to be like in another decade when my girls start dating!

    2. I know how you feel, to some extent — Christian guys are not aggressive enough about dating, that’s for sure… but they’re just like any other guy in the sense that too much pressure right off the bat drives them off. Maybe just — go out with them when they ask, and see where it leads? Often we let our ticking biological clocks get ahead of just having fun hanging out with a guy… if it’s been four years, and you’ve been “dating” and he hasn’t said it’s dating or wanted to take it a step further, then worry. But in the meantime, realize he’s nervous too.

      1. oh charity—if only it worked like that. you go out with them and get caught in the awkward friend zone forever. i have more guy friends than i could ever want. i don’t need more guy friends who like to be seen out in public with a girl and have good company and treat a girl to a movie or dinner now and then. i need a guy who wants to step up and DATE me. christian guys DON’T know how to date, for the most part. at least with non-christian guys if they approach you to ask you out you KNOW what their intentions are; with christian guys…. well…. awkward friend zone for the win.

        1. That’s when you pull the “are we dating, or should I find someone else to date?” card. Often if a guy thinks, “eh, she’ll be around and willing to hang out forever,” he won’t step up to the plate. But if he has to put up, or lose out, he may very well step up. Just make sure you’ve been friends for awhile first — otherwise it’s jumping the gun to ask him to make up his mind.

  8. This is just one of the reasons I love you. I agree wholeheartedly with everything you wrote here. Obviously, I’m not available, but I have three girls to raise, and I hope I can raise them to be the women God wants them to be.

  9. Thanks for the post, Charity! There’s some interesting food for thought here (and no, it didn’t destroy my liking for you). I would take issue with this, though: “I think if you prepare your heart and spiritual walk for marriage, if you are dedicated to becoming a more godly woman, if you pray for your future husband (whomever he may be), AND take a leap of faith every once in awhile… he will come.” No — if we do all that, he MAY come. There’s no guarantee that preparation + faith + prayer = man showing up. That’s a trap we women fall into all too often, and I get that it’s a very tempting one, but it’s based on the faulty assumption that something we do gives us the power to control what another person does.

    All that said, though, of course preparation and prayer are very important.

    1. You are right– he MAY come. He may not. God never promises us a husband … And that can be disheartening to hear. Fact is, unless men step up, most of us may never get married.

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