Since none of you were in the theater with Carissa and I when we saw Titanic in 3D (if you were, I’m sorry!), I thought you might want to experience all the fun we had. Please enter this with a sense of humor. Otherwise, you’ll be mad at us. But we aren’t worth being mad at. Well, maybe we are, but we also get to mock the stuff we love. And we do love Titanic. Really. It may be total utter bullcrap, but it’s still glorious. And yes, this is really what it’s like when we’re together.

Introduction to Rose and Cal: [everything before this part of the film is boring]

Cal: Those paintings suck. At least they were cheap.

Charity: Ooh, look, they’re trying to convince us he’s a pretentious asshat.

Carissa: It might work if he wasn’t so gorgeous in that waistcoat.

Charity: Not to mention the eyeliner. Oh, gosh, the EYELINER. *fans self*

Rose: So then, we met Margaret Brown, but everyone called her Molly.

Carissa: *SNORT*

Charity: No, they didn’t. It was MAGGIE. MAGGIE. Is that so hard?

Rose: Ever heard of Freud? You’d find him interesting.

Thomas Andrews: *LOLZ*

Charity: Why isn’t there more Thomas Andrews in this movie?

Rose: My life is horrible. I don’t want to be rich and go to parties and stuff.

Carissa: … why not?

Charity: Seriously, girl. Take the parties and the diamonds.

Carissa: How old is she supposed to be again?

Charity: Uh… seventeen?

Rose: *runs to bow to throw herself dramatically overboard*

Carissa: Yeah, that explains it. Self-absorbed melodramatic teenager drama.

Charity: Then how do you explain her still acting like this at 101, tossing the diamond overboard?

Carissa: … good point.

Cal: I dunno what your problem is, but I don’t know how to be all touchy feely and crap because I’m a non-feely personality type, so… here, have a gigantic, expensive diamond. Isn’t it gorgeous?

Rose: I hate it.

Charity: I don’t. Give it here!

Carissa: I am sensing an attitude problem here, which is a shame because Cal is trying to be nice!

Charity: He’s dealing with a teenager, and expecting her to be mature. Good luck with that.

Molly Brown: Why do they insist on calling us to dinner like a damn cavalry charge?

Carissa: … is that how we are as Coloradians?

Charity: Awesome? Why hell yes, it is.

Jack: You wanna go to a real party?

Third Class: *having dancing and swearing and fighting and beer guzzling and fun stuff*

Cal & Associates in First Class: *boooooring*

Charity: Oh, look! Cameron is trying to convince us being rich isn’t fun! I’d like to try it for myself, thanks.

Carissa: Yeah, because getting beer spilled on you is way more fun than having piles of money.

Cal: I hate that you were sexing up that boy in steerage last night. That isn’t cool.

Rose: Too bad your opinion doesn’t matter.

Table: *flies across room*

Cal: IT DOES MATTER, GOT IT?

Charity: … I still like his guyliner. Is that wrong?

Carissa: Nope. Shame about the china though.

Jack: *goes looking for Rose in First Class*

Carissa: Man, it sure is easy to get from Third to First Class. Until later, when everyone is dying and stuff.

Jack: You’re no picnic, Rose. A spoiled brat even!

Charity: WORD.

Rose: Draw me wearing my fiancé’s engagement present, naked. You cool with that?

Carissa: He didn’t take much convincing.

Charity: … he was a teenage boy in France. Nuff said.

Carissa: Do you know there’s a five year old two rows ahead of us?

Charity: … awwwkward.

Murdoch: Hey, you seen the binoculars?

Lightoller: Nope.

Carissa: Wait, there were no binoculars?

Charity: Nope.

Carissa:

Rose: So, when this boat docks, I’m going with you. Even though you’re only seventeen and have no job, or place to stay, or anything to eat and stuff. Because even though I’ve only known you for two days, we are so deeply in love!

Snogging: *commences*

Guys in Crow’s Nest: *watch the snogging*

Carissa: HEY, IDIOTS, LOOK OUT FOR THE ICE—

Iceberg: *scrapes*

–BERG.

Cal: *finds drawing and nasty note in safe*

Charity: Now, that’s classy. She could have just, you know, called off the wedding.

Carissa: But then we wouldn’t have Cal’s awesome emotional breakdown and descent into total asshat-ery.

Charity: True.

Thomas Andrews: This boat is gonna sink.

Ismay: No, it’s not.

Andrews: Yes, it is.

Ismay: You for reals?!

Carissa/Charity: *SNIFF* Poor Thomas Andrews!

Cal: *slaps Rose*

Charity: BITCHSLAP.

[angst on the boat deck]

Cal: Where are you going? To him? To be a whore to a gutter rat?

Rose: I’d rather be his whore than your wife! *hawwwk, spit*

Charity: That’s nasty.

Carissa: Happily, the guyliner is intact.

Rose: Jack! Jack! Jaaaack!

Jack: Rose! In here, Rose! Look for something to use to break the handcuffs, Rose! Be careful, Rose! Here, try a practice swing, Rose!

Charity: … if we were having a drinking game over them using each other’s name, do you have any idea how drunk we’d be by now?

Guard at Gate: Get away from there! Put that down! Stop that! Cut it out! What do you think you’re doing?

Irishman: *punches him in the face on his way past*

Carissa: *SNORT* Gotta love the Irish.

Cal: Have you seen Rose?

Charity: OH MY GOSH, CAL, GIVE IT A REST ALREADY!! Find a woman past the teenage mood swings!

Jack: Why did you get off the lifeboat, Rose? You’re such an idiot!

Rose: I want to die with you!

They: *embrace*

Cal: *watches from above*

Carissa: Oh, here it comes. He’s gonna snap.

Charity: I love this scene. It’s so epic.

Cal: *snaps, grabs gun in epic slow motion and fires at them*

Charity:

Carissa: You are SO predictable, you know that?

Charity: Am I bothered?

(Seriously, if you get that… you’re awesome.)

Guyliner: *is awesome*

Rose: Thomas Andrews! Why are you here in the smoking room?!

Andrews: I want to die. My beautiful ship!! Here, take my lifejacket. Life is just not worth living anymore.

Charity: Not without you in it, it isn’t!

Carissa: *SNIFF*

[many people die, ship tilts upward, breaks in half, Rose and Jack go to floating headboard, etc]

Ioan-Gruffud-as-Officer-Lowe: Okay, so everyone else is a pansy – we’re going back! Start rowing!

Carissa: I love that man.

Charity: … get in line.

Molly Brown: What is WRONG with you? Let’s go rescue people!

Charity: … what is WRONG with James Cameron for not telling the true story of Molly Brown?

Rose: I love you, Jack.

Jack: I want you to live on, even though you can clearly see me dying of hypothermia because you’re on the floating headboard and I’m not.

Carissa: You crying yet?

Charity: Nope.

Old Rose: *glances at Heart of the Ocean, which a team has been hunting for over the last three years, and have already wasted millions of dollars on, and then chucks it in the ocean*

Charity: ….

Carissa: Seriously, woman, you didn’t sell that thing?

Charity: Cal would know if she did.

Carissa: Sell the LITTLE diamonds!! You know, all the ones around that gigantic blue stone?!

Charity: Who said Rose was smart?

Camera: *pans across all Rose’s pictures of… herself*

Charity: Good to know she learned not to be selfish.

Old Rose: *dies*

Charity: Crying yet?

Carissa: Nope.

Titanic: *gets pretty again*

Doors: *open*

Thomas Andrews: *is seen*

Charity & Carissa:

Rose: *climbs staircase to Jack, they embrace and kiss, everyone cheers*

Charity: … uh, where’s her husband?