TITANIC with the critical fangirls

Since none of you were in the theater with Carissa and I when we saw Titanic in 3D (if you were, I’m sorry!), I thought you might want to experience all the fun we had. Please enter this with a sense of humor. Otherwise, you’ll be mad at us. But we aren’t worth being mad at. Well, maybe we are, but we also get to mock the stuff we love. And we do love Titanic. Really. It may be total utter bullcrap, but it’s still glorious. And yes, this is really what it’s like when we’re together.

Introduction to Rose and Cal: [everything before this part of the film is boring]

Cal: Those paintings suck. At least they were cheap.

Charity: Ooh, look, they’re trying to convince us he’s a pretentious asshat.

Carissa: It might work if he wasn’t so gorgeous in that waistcoat.

Charity: Not to mention the eyeliner. Oh, gosh, the EYELINER. *fans self*

Rose: So then, we met Margaret Brown, but everyone called her Molly.

Carissa: *SNORT*

Charity: No, they didn’t. It was MAGGIE. MAGGIE. Is that so hard?

Rose: Ever heard of Freud? You’d find him interesting.

Thomas Andrews: *LOLZ*

Charity: Why isn’t there more Thomas Andrews in this movie?

Rose: My life is horrible. I don’t want to be rich and go to parties and stuff.

Carissa: … why not?

Charity: Seriously, girl. Take the parties and the diamonds.

Carissa: How old is she supposed to be again?

Charity: Uh… seventeen?

Rose: *runs to bow to throw herself dramatically overboard*

Carissa: Yeah, that explains it. Self-absorbed melodramatic teenager drama.

Charity: Then how do you explain her still acting like this at 101, tossing the diamond overboard?

Carissa: … good point.

Cal: I dunno what your problem is, but I don’t know how to be all touchy feely and crap because I’m a non-feely personality type, so… here, have a gigantic, expensive diamond. Isn’t it gorgeous?

Rose: I hate it.

Charity: I don’t. Give it here!

Carissa: I am sensing an attitude problem here, which is a shame because Cal is trying to be nice!

Charity: He’s dealing with a teenager, and expecting her to be mature. Good luck with that.

Molly Brown: Why do they insist on calling us to dinner like a damn cavalry charge?

Carissa: … is that how we are as Coloradians?

Charity: Awesome? Why hell yes, it is.

Jack: You wanna go to a real party?

Third Class: *having dancing and swearing and fighting and beer guzzling and fun stuff*

Cal & Associates in First Class: *boooooring*

Charity: Oh, look! Cameron is trying to convince us being rich isn’t fun! I’d like to try it for myself, thanks.

Carissa: Yeah, because getting beer spilled on you is way more fun than having piles of money.

Cal: I hate that you were sexing up that boy in steerage last night. That isn’t cool.

Rose: Too bad your opinion doesn’t matter.

Table: *flies across room*

Cal: IT DOES MATTER, GOT IT?

Charity: … I still like his guyliner. Is that wrong?

Carissa: Nope. Shame about the china though.

Jack: *goes looking for Rose in First Class*

Carissa: Man, it sure is easy to get from Third to First Class. Until later, when everyone is dying and stuff.

Jack: You’re no picnic, Rose. A spoiled brat even!

Charity: WORD.

Rose: Draw me wearing my fiancé’s engagement present, naked. You cool with that?

Carissa: He didn’t take much convincing.

Charity: … he was a teenage boy in France. Nuff said.

Carissa: Do you know there’s a five year old two rows ahead of us?

Charity: … awwwkward.

Murdoch: Hey, you seen the binoculars?

Lightoller: Nope.

Carissa: Wait, there were no binoculars?

Charity: Nope.

Carissa:

Rose: So, when this boat docks, I’m going with you. Even though you’re only seventeen and have no job, or place to stay, or anything to eat and stuff. Because even though I’ve only known you for two days, we are so deeply in love!

Snogging: *commences*

Guys in Crow’s Nest: *watch the snogging*

Carissa: HEY, IDIOTS, LOOK OUT FOR THE ICE—

Iceberg: *scrapes*

–BERG.

Cal: *finds drawing and nasty note in safe*

Charity: Now, that’s classy. She could have just, you know, called off the wedding.

Carissa: But then we wouldn’t have Cal’s awesome emotional breakdown and descent into total asshat-ery.

Charity: True.

Thomas Andrews: This boat is gonna sink.

Ismay: No, it’s not.

Andrews: Yes, it is.

Ismay: You for reals?!

Carissa/Charity: *SNIFF* Poor Thomas Andrews!

Cal: *slaps Rose*

Charity: BITCHSLAP.

[angst on the boat deck]

Cal: Where are you going? To him? To be a whore to a gutter rat?

Rose: I’d rather be his whore than your wife! *hawwwk, spit*

Charity: That’s nasty.

Carissa: Happily, the guyliner is intact.

Rose: Jack! Jack! Jaaaack!

Jack: Rose! In here, Rose! Look for something to use to break the handcuffs, Rose! Be careful, Rose! Here, try a practice swing, Rose!

Charity: … if we were having a drinking game over them using each other’s name, do you have any idea how drunk we’d be by now?

Guard at Gate: Get away from there! Put that down! Stop that! Cut it out! What do you think you’re doing?

Irishman: *punches him in the face on his way past*

Carissa: *SNORT* Gotta love the Irish.

Cal: Have you seen Rose?

Charity: OH MY GOSH, CAL, GIVE IT A REST ALREADY!! Find a woman past the teenage mood swings!

Jack: Why did you get off the lifeboat, Rose? You’re such an idiot!

Rose: I want to die with you!

They: *embrace*

Cal: *watches from above*

Carissa: Oh, here it comes. He’s gonna snap.

Charity: I love this scene. It’s so epic.

Cal: *snaps, grabs gun in epic slow motion and fires at them*

Charity:

Carissa: You are SO predictable, you know that?

Charity: Am I bothered?

(Seriously, if you get that… you’re awesome.)

Guyliner: *is awesome*

Rose: Thomas Andrews! Why are you here in the smoking room?!

Andrews: I want to die. My beautiful ship!! Here, take my lifejacket. Life is just not worth living anymore.

Charity: Not without you in it, it isn’t!

Carissa: *SNIFF*

[many people die, ship tilts upward, breaks in half, Rose and Jack go to floating headboard, etc]

Ioan-Gruffud-as-Officer-Lowe: Okay, so everyone else is a pansy – we’re going back! Start rowing!

Carissa: I love that man.

Charity: … get in line.

Molly Brown: What is WRONG with you? Let’s go rescue people!

Charity: … what is WRONG with James Cameron for not telling the true story of Molly Brown?

Rose: I love you, Jack.

Jack: I want you to live on, even though you can clearly see me dying of hypothermia because you’re on the floating headboard and I’m not.

Carissa: You crying yet?

Charity: Nope.

Old Rose: *glances at Heart of the Ocean, which a team has been hunting for over the last three years, and have already wasted millions of dollars on, and then chucks it in the ocean*

Charity: ….

Carissa: Seriously, woman, you didn’t sell that thing?

Charity: Cal would know if she did.

Carissa: Sell the LITTLE diamonds!! You know, all the ones around that gigantic blue stone?!

Charity: Who said Rose was smart?

Camera: *pans across all Rose’s pictures of… herself*

Charity: Good to know she learned not to be selfish.

Old Rose: *dies*

Charity: Crying yet?

Carissa: Nope.

Titanic: *gets pretty again*

Doors: *open*

Thomas Andrews: *is seen*

Charity & Carissa:

Rose: *climbs staircase to Jack, they embrace and kiss, everyone cheers*

Charity: … uh, where’s her husband?

21 Replies to “TITANIC with the critical fangirls”

  1. I know you posted this awhile back, but I had read it a couple times, absolutely LOVED it, but didn’t comment and tell you how wonderfully *hilarrious* I find this. XD so thanks for sharing. Lol

  2. I really enjoyed reading that… but I especially enjoyed the little Sherlock and Doctor gifs! Oooh I’m such a nerd 🙂

  3. I love this. My best friends and I do this all the time, ours is, One Night With the King. Whenever we need a laugh or ogle pretty stuff we just watch that. They showed it at my old church during Purim (we were Messianic…) and we had to leave, because, we knew we wouldn’t shut up. =D

  4. 15-year-old me was OBSESSED with Titanic. Like, see it 12 times in the theater, dye my hair red, have passionate arguments with my friends about whether Rose should have at least told her mom she was alive, even if they never saw each other again obsessed.

    29-year-old me is starting to worry that 15-year-old me had problems. 😛 Rose is a spoiled brat, there is nothing appealing about Jack, and there were so many real stories of the Titanic that could have been made into a movie, without needing to add a cheesy “love” story.

    1. I think there is nothing wrong with maturing and seeing the faults in Rose! I never realized how selfish she was until I had grown up! Then, her immature behavior became SO apparent to me. Yet, I still love the movie. I don’t know why, but I do.

      1. Oh, I still love the movie…I just don’t know why I thought Rose was so great. (I was never much of a Jack fan. Dark hair trumps blond every time for me. :-D) It’s so beautiful, though, and the soundtrack fits perfectly, and there’s something so fascinating and heartbreaking about the story of Titanic.

  5. Oh My Goodness. I laughed SO hard at this.
    Also, is it just me or did you just manage to quote The Abduction Club AND Catherine Tate in two sentences? If you did, you m’dear, are the awesome one.

    1. Good! =D

      It’s not just you. I ALMOST linked to a Catherine Tate video and then thought… “Nah, if they don’t get the joke, that’s just too bad.” =D

  6. “Seriously, girl. Take the parties and the diamonds.” = Why not!? If you got them. ;-D

    A five-year-old, seriously!? That is SO. NOT. GOOD!

    Glad you girls had fun seeing this, Charity. =)

    1. Here’s the thing… if you are going to be miserable anyway (and Rose had clearly made up her mind to be miserable)… do it rich, not poor. 😉

      I am not kidding. There was a five year old two rows ahead of us. I didn’t look, but I hope mommy put her hand over her kid’s eyes at… certain points. I hear all these stories about kids seeing this movie at five… six… seven years old and all I can think is, “Really?!?”

      1. That is sad that parents THINK a movie like “Titanic” is o.k. for their 5, 6, or seven-year old to see – HELLO, what is wrong with that mother!?

        1. I know. But then, I’ve seen six year olds in the X-Men movies (which are very violent, not to mention Mystique being half-naked the entire time) too — with their dads. I just don’t think many parents actually THINK. =(

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