Final Season: Smallville … Don’t Drink

Last Friday was a tad… um… surreal. Fringe sent us back in time for an emotional ride, Camelot premiered in a sneak peek on Starz, and Smallville took an acid trip that was hilarious and very wrong in too many ways to count. I honestly didn’t know what to say about it immediately afterward except maybe, “Please, Powers That Be, let me never, ever see Oliver Queen dressed in drag ever again!”

The Story: You can always count on a witch to make a bachelor party interesting. Zatanna sends Clark and Lois a bottle of wine to celebrate their impending wedding and everyone wakes up the next morning with an almighty hangover and no memories of what happened the night before or how they got where they did. Chloe is wearing a frumpy Las Vegas-esque wedding gown, Clark has half a wedding certificate tucked into his cummerbund, and Lois and Oliver wake up on the wrong side of the tracks. Literally. And her engagement ring is missing. And let’s not even start in on Tess and Emil, who is currently doing his finest Elvis impersonation…

The Symbolism What We Can Learn From This Episode:

(This is purely tongue in cheek because the episode demands nothing less.)

+ Do not drink.
+ Do not drink bottles of magical wine.
+ Do not drink bottles of magical wine from witches.
+ Do not drink bottles of magical wine from witches and expect to remember everything tomorrow.
+ Do not pass out on train tracks. Hobos will steal your shoes.
+ Do not dress in drag; some man might fall in love with you.
+ Do not super speed with a hangover. You might take out a wall.
+ Lemurs are fun pets. Except when you can’t remember where you stole it from.
+ Clark Kent cannot get drunk. Except from a witch’s wine.
+ Drunk Clark Kent is awesome fun, because he stole the Luthor Corp sign!
+ Lex is not going to be pleased about that when he comes back.
+ Never drink and party, you might wind up making out with a coworker!
+ … a coworker you never even looked at before.
+ Always make sure the video camera is off when you start making out.
+ Never assume whose name is on the marriage contract.
+ It might not be your BFF after all, but the man you were kinda planning on running away from, even though you said last week that you shouldn’t run away from him, you should just be yourself and have an awesome life with him.
+ Never lose your engagement ring in a crap game.
+ If you do lose your engagement ring in a crap game, use high heels to get it back.
+ Green tuxes are tacky. Particularly on Green Arrow.

Immaterial Thoughts:

This is, unless there is a future announcement, Chloe’s final episode and… that makes me wonder why they wasted her in this rip-off of The Hangover, which I have never seen and never plan to. It seems like a confrontation of some kind or a revelation about Oliver would have been a better choice than the silliness included in this filler episode. Why are they doing filler episodes? They don’t have too much time left before the end of the series, and more loose threads than a quilt that has gone through a shredding machine. In purely comedic terms it was fun, true, but the earlier half of the season was when the “fun” should have taken place. Now that we’re approaching the end of a decade of storytelling, let’s get serious and down to business. I do admit that at least with regards to a send-off, they did give Chloe some cool references to play with — she’s off to Gotham City to tango with a billionaire who likes his high-tech toy, huh? Look out, Bruce Wayne — Chloe is about to enter your life.

Having launched that complaint — this episode was so stupid it was hilarious. I don’t know when I have laughed that hard over an episode of this show and in that regard, maybe it wasn’t as bad as I initially thought. Chloe had her usual snappy lines, Lois is having cold feet about the wedding (I’m sensing some Runaway Bride anxiety), and … Clark super-speeded into a building and knocked a chunk of it out, before falling flat on his face. There was a time when that would have made my entire existence. I got the feeling that if nothing else, the cast was having fun and it did have kind of a sinister twist in the second half. Plus, Chloe got to use guns. Again. So all in all, even though it may take the “stupidest episode of the show ever” award at the end of the night (or not, remember the vampires?), it was entertaining and that’s all I can ask for.

But I must admit… I’m looking forward to the return of sanity, the actual plot threads, and the Luthors tomorrow night. Bring on Conner Kent!

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